Posts, in order

“Rebellion Just By Existing - by River” on Substack, in order.
My suggestion is to read them in the order they were written, starting with Post 1 or even 100 and working your way up in numbers (it’s gonna make a lot more sense that way), as quickly or as slowly as feels good for you.

You may want to bookmark this page for easy access as you’re going through.

For Resonance in the Liminal Space (think pieces, not in-the-moment anecdotes or realizations but rather longstanding observations), find those posts here.

Here are all of the posts inside of Rebellion Just By Existing (so far):

• Start Here

• How to read this blog

• What is this blog

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Public Posts

These posts are free to the public. Please support me in sharing them!

• Read this first

• Rebellion just by existing (Post 1)

• Rules for myself, post-diagnosis life (Post 2)

• You won’t hear me say “why me” (Post 5)

• Compassion is forged (Post 6)

• 7 types of responses I see (Post 10)

• Who this is for and who it’s not for

• Red flags for me (Post 15)

• DMV companions vs shine-chasers (Post 23)

• I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (Post 38)

• Plant medicine & a transmuter (Post 74)

• I love my body and my body loves me (Post 99)

• I’m the peppiest person in the cancer ward (Post 104)

• Sheeple (Post 145)

• Say Cancer (Post 202)

• 17 ways not to respond when someone says “I have cancer” (Post 209)

• Make of yourself a light (Post 254)

• Moss green (Post 282)

• Cumulative toxicity (Post 291)

• Birds (Post 311)

• Starlight (Post 541)

• Hope

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Break from the story, just cancer:

• Cancer Playlist

• What I’d tell someone who cares

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1. Diagnosis & Shock

• Read this first

• Rebellion just by existing (Post 1)

• Rules for myself, post-diagnosis life (Post 2)

• Who I’m looking to (Post 3)

• You won’t hear me say “why me” (Post 5)

• Compassion is forged (Post 6)

• I’m a healthy person who has cancer (Post 8)

• I see you’ve been carrying 200 lbs (Post 9)

• 7 types of responses I see (Post 10)

• Who this is for and who it’s not for

• My favorite responses so far (Post 11)

• Don’t use plastic, you’ll get cancer (Post 12)

• Keep it in the day (Post 13)

• While you’re still alive (Post 14)

• Red flags for me (Post 15)

• See who’s watching with you (Post 16)

• A possible side effect (Post 17)

• It’s probably not that funny (Post 18)

• More than anyone should ask (Post 19)

• A very bad poem (Post 20)

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2. Medical Grind & Spiritual Fallout

• It’s nice to have a friend (Post 22)

• DMV companions vs shine-chasers (Post 23)

• Not a safe place (Post 24)

• On aging (Post 25)

• My dad sets an alarm (Post 26)

• I know I’ll never understand. But I want to try to understand (Post 27)

• This is not my fight song (Post 28)

• Harvesting (Post 29)

• I made friends with a fly (Post 30)

• No food or water until 1pm (Post 31)

• Wonderful sensory experiences of being human (Post 32)

• 1200 lbs (Post 33)

• Medicine is a team sport (Post 34)

• I mean, I understand. But I also don’t (Post 35)

• I wasn’t expecting this (Post 36)

• Frog in boiling water (Post 37)

• I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (Post 38)

• It’s sunny today (Post 39)

• Brilliant, but evil (Post 40)

• Sober LSD (Post 41)

• And I’m trying to be nice, but (Post 42)

• What if (Post 43)

• I read something (Post 44)

• Challenge convention, change the world (Post 45)

• Other people’s diarrhea (Post 46)

• Pathological demand avoidance (Post 47)

• People like you (Post 48)

• I’m not going to choose (Post 49)

• My last night of freedom (Post 50)

• Behind-the-scenes, in a day (Post 52)

• Breaking up (Post 53)

• Pay attention (Post 54)

• You’re doing well (Post 55)

• Barnum statements (Post 57)

• The first chemo treatment (Post 59)

• I will not regret (Post 60)

• Did Beth have dreams? (Post 63)

• Not this (Post 65)

• My least favorite activity (Post 66)

• James Van Der Beek (Post 68)

• Childlike empress (Post 69)

• Rich (Post 70)

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3. Chemo & Transmuting Trauma into Hilarity

• Entering: The Post (Post 71)

• Death to the people pleaser (Post 72)

• Mr. Empathy and Dr. IDGAF (Post 73)

• Plant medicine & a transmuter (Post 74)

• To save the rest of you (Post 76)

• On steroids (Post 78)

• What I wish I’d known before I got cancer (Post 79)

• A lot of time to spend in the world (Post 80)

• That escalated quickly (Post 81)

• I have a plan (Post 82)

• A mirror (Post 85)

• OnlyFans for measles (Post 86)

• A linear, beginning narrative (Post 87)

• What I’d tell someone who cares (Post 88)

• It’s the steroid (Post 89)

• Waiting (Post 91)

• It’s okay to be comfortable (Post 92)

• Welcome to Substack (Post 93)

• Bodies changing (Post 94)

• I shared the blog (Post 95)

• Thank you so much for subscribing

• I’m not even mad at you (Post 96)

• A new experience (Post 97)

• It’s always been this way (Post 98)

• I love my body and my body loves me (Post 99)

• A sober drunken night (Post 100)

• Whoops, I’m using Substack wrong

• My mom doesn’t want me to share this (Post 101)

• What I was expecting (Post 102)

• Chemo adventures (Post 103)

• I’m the peppiest person in the cancer ward (Post 104)

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4. Strand By Strand

• Prepping for the port (Post 105)

• Sullivan’s Crossing (Post 106)

• Okay, well, you’re still funny (Post 107)

• You expect too much from people (Post 108)

• Collecting stickers (Post 109)

• It wasn’t the steroid (Post 110)

• What should we call her (Post 111)

• How are you TODAY? (Post 112)

• Red-leaved trees (Post 114)

• Hello, and welcome to the rebellion

• I don’t want to know (Post 117)

• When a platitude isn’t a platitude (Post 120)

• F is for fentanyl (Post 121)

• Let’s you and me (Post 122)

• But what if it’s all b… (Post 123)

• Becoming winter (Post 124)

• How do you like to love and be loved (Post 125)

• Wedding prep (Post 126)

• A meteorite (Post 127)

• Ericksonian (Post 128)

• 1-3 (Post 129)

• Carebear love (Post 130)

• When you put it that way (Post 131)

• You sound upbeat (Post 132)

• It’s not Mexico, but (Post 133)

• My last nerve (Post 134)

• You’re loved (Post 135)

• The Bypath (Post 136)

• Idgaf about your love and light (Post 139)

• I won’t let read this blog (Post 140)

• Honest (Post 144)

• Sheeple (Post 145)*

• The road from Eponine to Fantine (Post 146)

• Thinking of you (Post 147)

• Fuck your drama triangle (Post 150)

• It’s the Lupron (Post 151)

• Cancer is a parasite cleanse (Post 152)

• Playing the violin on the Titanic (Post 153)

• Waking up (Post 154)

• Every miracle is big (Post 155)

• Is that past? (Post 158)

• Permanent (Post 159)

• Intense catalyst (Post 161)

• Morphing (Post 162)

• Things I shouldn’t say (Post 163)

• Strand by strand (Post 164)

• Appreciated (Post 166)

• I try to remember (Post 167)

• Disability (Post 168)

• Odd ways we handle stress (Post 169)

• I’m there for you (Post 170)

• Holding on (Post 172)

• I didn’t forget (Post 173)

• Chemo brain (Post 174)

• I miss the moon (Post 175)

• What if I’m not the best (Post 176)

• Change of plans, again (Post 178)

• A Different Vision Quest (Post 179)

• Strong (Post 180)

• Kesha (Post 182)

• No day but today (Post 183)

• Two different realities (Post 184)

• Chumbawamba (Post 185)

• Japanese prison (Post 186)

• Up close (Post 187)

• I have a doctor now (Post 188)

• Regenerative (Post 189)

• A linear narrative, part 2 (Post 190)

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5. Phoenix Rising

• Opalite (Post 191)

• This is TMI (Post 192)

• Why do you write like you’re running out of time (Post 193)

• Very close (Post 194)

• The Smiths (Post 195)

• Love that for you (Post 196)

• New friends (Post 197)

• Adventures can’t all be winners (Post 198)

• The vomiting post (Post 199)

• Could be any body (Post 200)

• I’m done (Post 201)

• Say Cancer (Post 202)

• Sadderday (Post 203)

• From the ashes (Post 204)

• Luckdragon (Post 205)

• What chemo killed (Post 206)

• Parasocial entitlement (Post 207)

• Tilt-a-whirl (Post 208)

• 17 ways not to respond when someone says “I have cancer” (Post 209)

• Not your job (Post 210)

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6. Dancing with the Red Devil

• Things that did not cause my cancer (Post 211)

• Is it okay (Post 212)

• I’m grateful (Post 213)

• Suspended limbo (Post 214)

• Olive oil green (Post 215)

• Cute turtle (Post 216)

• Playing it safe (Post 217)

• I miss you and that’s embarrassing (Post 218)

• Always (Post 219)

• Resilient (Post 220)

• Stay (Post 221)

• It’s probably not great to normalize trauma (Post 222)

• An old joke (Post 223)

• Dancing with the devil (Post 224)

• How can I explain it (Post 225)

• The Happiest Thanksgiving (Post 226)

• Charlie Brown (Post 227)

• Pawprint (Post 228)

• Chemo Swings (Post 229)

• Wigs and caps (Post 230)

• Ambiguous grief (Post 231)

• There is a light that never goes out (Post 232)

• Warrior (Post 233)

• Tox (Post 234)

• Christmas cards (Post 238)

• Pharmacology (Post 240)

• Christmas Lullaby (Post 241)

• Raw (Post 244)

• I’m a private person (Post 246)

• Torture for cancer patients (Post 249)

• Sensitive on steroids (Post 250)

• Lupron-grumpy (Post 253)

• Make of yourself a light (Post 254)

• Mirrorball (Post 255)

• All my fears coming true (Post 256)

• Green flags (Post 262)

• Avalanche (Post 263)

• Kind (Post 265)

• I lied (Post 266)

• Ideal time for this (Post 267)

• Love it! (Post 268)

• How can we get this to Jennifer Hudson (Post 269)

• High (Post 270)

• Dopamine suppression (Post 272)

• The Nothing (Post 274)

• Chemo TMI, part 2 (Post 275)

• Dehumanization (Post 276)

• Cruel (Post 277)

• My hope for you (Post 278)

• Plant (Post 279)

• Nothing (Post 280)

• Manic (Post 281)

• Moss green (Post 282)

• Feminine (Post 283)

• Grace (Post 284)

• Capricorn season (Post 285)

• Anger is bad (Post 286)

• Blessed (Post 288)

• Not an ally (Post 289)

• Something is not right (Post 290)

• Cumulative toxicity (Post 291)

• The Neverending Story (Post 292)

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7. Late in the Regimen

• ​Tattoos and fishnets (Post 293)

• I went to the gym (Post 294)

• It’s the chemicals (Post 295)

• Late in the regimen (Post 295b)

• New Year’s Eve (Post 296)

• Happy New Year (Post 297)

• I count the minutes (Post 298)

• It’s anointing me (Post 299)

• Chemo hats (Post 300)

• Warheads (Post 301)

• Stay (Post 302)

• I used to run (Post 303)

• Linear update, pt 3 (Post 304)

• You never know, I guess (Post 305)

• Dream come true (Post 306)

• Chemo rollercoaster

• Anomaly (Post 308)

• Dear Haters (Post 309)

• Believe (Post 310)

• Birds (Post 311)

• And the winner is (Post 312)

• A hug (Post 313)

• Luproning (Post 314)

• Heaven knows (Post 315)

• Useful (Post 316)

• Orpheus (Post 317)

• Hibernate (Post 318)

• Wednesday (Post 319)

• Green-gray (Post 320)

• Vapor (Post 321)

• Downshift state (Post 322)

• Sacred (Post 323)

• Bjorkish (Post 324)

• Just in case (Post 325)

• What I Got (Post 326)

• Glitch (Post 327)

• Savior complex (Post 328)

• Funniest in the class (Post 329)

• Alien (Post 330)

• And wonder (Post 331)

• Surprise (Post 332)

• Not the last day of chemo (Post 333)

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8. Limbo State

• Limbo state (Post 334)

• Pre-grieving (Post 335)

• Die a hero (Post 336)

• Good egg (Post 337)

• The Wondrous Boat Ride (Post 338)

• And then (Post 339)

• Keep your spirits up (Post 340)

• I talked to a real friend (Post 341)

• Fragile (Post 342)

• Debriefing (Post 343)

• Trouper (Post 344)

• The C card (Post 345)

• I forgot (Post 346)

• Not my body (Post 347)

• I count luxuries (Post 348)

• No silver linings (Post 349)

• Will you still love me (Post 350)

• Punch by the Universe (Post 351)

• Evolution (Post 352)

• Mixed (Post 353)

• Curveball (Post 354)

• Broken heart (Post 355)

• Tears (Post 356)

• Linear (Post 357)

• James Van Der Beek, pt 2 (Post 358)

• Impact (Post 359)

• End of days (Post 360)

• 50:50 (Post 361)

• The Question Game (Post 362)

• Slipped (Post 363)

• The sky is white (Post 364)

• Transit (Post 365)

• In LA (Post 366)

• Oh, Calisto (Post 367)

• Finally (Post 368)

• One week (Post 369)

• Another angel (Post 370)

• Ornery (Post 371)

• Goodbye (Post 372)

• Caves (Post 373)

• Everything (Post 374)

• Smile (Post 375)

• Existential bookkeeping (Post 376)

• It’s time (Post 377)

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9. The Grind

• The night before surgery (Post 378)

• Genius and kind (Post 379)

• Bubble (Post 380)

• Silver (Post 381)

• King (Post 382)

• Blossoming (Post 383)

• One day at a time (Post 384)

• Celebrate (Post 385)

• Hi (Post 386)

• Unknow (Post 387)

• Weighted blanket (Post 388)

• Prom (Post 389)

• Rarities of rarities (Post 390)

• One last time (Post 391)

• Still here (Post 392)

• Private (Post 393)

• Constant (Post 394)

• Hope (Post 395)

• In the world (Post 396)

• Nightmares (Post 396)

• Wacky (Post 397)

• Pathology (Post 398)

• Whiplash (Post 399)

• 8 out of 10 (Post 400)

• Spaghetti at the wall (Post 401)

• Many layers (Post 402)

• Outsourcing and bypassing (Post 403)

• Access revoked (Post 404)

• Radioactive (Post 405)

• Satisfying (Post 406)

• Tenderness (Post 407)

• Better (Post 408)

• Over and over (Post 409)

• Why do I feel this good sober (Post 410)

• Go away (Post 411)

• It sucks (Post 412)

• Lupron chronicles (Post 413)

• New regimen (Post 414)

• Spring (Post 415)

• Not my story to tell (Post 416)

• Stay quiet (Post 417)

• Empirical (Post 418)

• Not Winter (Post 419)

• 8 months (Post 420)

• Casseroles (Post 421)

• Mapping (Post 422)

• Absurd (Post 423)

• A Different Kind of Human (Post 424)

• You’re not wrong (Post 425)

• With all due respect (Post 426)

• Not transparent (Post 427)

• All the good that won’t come out of me (Post 428)

• Different kinds of torture (Post 429)

• We’re running out of magnets (Post 430)

• Birthday blues (Post 431)

• Energy, yay (Post 432)

• We’re all witches (Post 433)

10. Breathe in and hold

“What happens when someone stops smiling on cue? These entries begin with radiation appointments and end somewhere far more dangerous: a woman learning, in real time, that peace may require disappointing almost everyone around her.”

“A slow-motion unraveling of politeness, performance, spirituality, friendship, ambition, femininity, and the lifelong instinct to make other people comfortable — told through hospital waiting rooms, dark humor, and startling moments of clarity you can’t unread.”

“You'll laugh, then catch yourself, then wonder why no one has ever told you the truth this cleanly before.”

• Orientation (Post 434)

• Picture (Post 435)

• American Pie (Post 436)

• You don’t have to wonder (Post 437)

• New plan (Post 439)

• Groundhog’s Day (Post 440)

• I zap people (Post 441)

• Too many signs (Post 442)

• Too female (Post 443)

• An artichoke (Post 444)

• Blind spot (Post 445)

• The best (Post 446)

• Blessings (Post 447)

• Giving up (Post 448)

• Barbaric (Post 449)

• Dreaming (Post 450)

• Exhale (Post 451)

• Every day (Post 452)

• Technique (Post 453)

• Small miracles (Post 454)

• Not likely (Post 456)

• Meant for (Post 457)

• Clarity (Post 458)

• Citgo sign (Post 459)

• Language (Post 460)

• Prescient (Post 461)

• Slow (Post 462)

• Hostest (Post 463)

• Shadow work (Post 464)

• High (Post 465)

• Black and blue (Post 466)

• Ground dissolving (Post 467)

• I was here (Post 467)

• Pretty (Post 468)

• New England weather (Post 469)

• Typos (Post 471)

• Mexican restaurant (Post 474)

• I will be (Post 475)

• Ask me (Post 478)

• It’s the misc (Post 479)

• I stopped myself (Post 481)

• Mini heartbreaks (Post 482)

• LJ (Post 483)

• Tour (Post 484)

• Edge (Post 485)

• One of those (Post 486)

• Revenge (Post 487)

• No kidding (Post 488)

• Emergency (Post 489)

• Human zebra (Post 490)

• Monday (Post 491)

• Stigma (Post 492)

• I’m fine (Post 493)

• Home stretch (Post 494)

• Not Mexico (Post 495)

• Bread (Post 496)

• Slow down, River (Post 497)

• Meta (Post 498)

• A zebra (Post 499)

• Tease out (Post 500)

• Surfing (Post 501)

• Sonic (Post 503)

• Pattern people (Post 504)

• Ocular (Post 505)

• Could be anybody (Post 506)

• I’m sorry (Post 507)

• Penultimate (Post 509)

• The song I won’t write (Post 510)

• My nervous system (Post 512)

• Celebrate good times (Post 513)

• Paper cuts (Post 514)

• Things I’m not supposed to say (Post 515)

• Scaffolding (Post 516)

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11. Liminal spaces

To quote my song “Fly” - “up is now down, you don’t know where to go.”

• Not theirs (Post 517)

• Hammer (Post 518)

• One moment (Post 519)

• Nicer (Post 520)

• Romantic (Post 521)

• Personal (Post 522)

• No offense (Post 523)

• Patient (Post 537)

• Narrate (Post 540)

• Starlight (Post 541)

• Cynical (Post 542)

• We are not the same (Post 547)

• I understand (Post 548)

• I don’t know how to tell this story

• Here, I take a break from the narrative. I would like to share posts 530-560 in time, but for now, here are posts that aren’t numbered, here in the liminal space

• Last meal

• Full house

• Starseeds

• Vanity

• Love you better

• NP

• Angels

• Non-famous psychics

• Resentment vs grief

• Scary

• Love them anyway

• Living - a poem

• Hope

• Faith

• Lightness

• Worth knowing

• I remember - a poem

• When you believe

• What’s going on with me

• Like you’re living

• Conversations

• Humbling

• Greatest hits list

• What I would say to someone who cares, now

• De-Bummerize

• What do I want

• Know fewer people

• Stars winking out - a poem

• Kesha

• I don’t have words

• Macabre (Post 586)

• Energy audit

• Something had to die

• Things that surprised me when I got diagnosed (again)

• Appreciation

• Sydney Towle

• 3 days on a porch

• Living with uncertainty

• Sensitive person’s manifesto

• Gentleness

• Enjoy it

• Revisiting Job

• A horror movie

• I gotchu

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12. Please Remember

• The Story of my Life

• Hospice - a poem​

• I want people to know you

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I love seeing your comments. Please share what moves you.

If there are numbers skipped, it’s because I decided it wasn’t ultimately of value to share. I am open to being convinced otherwise, perhaps later with some games and prizes.
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© 2025 River Ayla. All rights reserved.
None of this constitutes medical advice.
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