Someone said I was quantum leaping in my relationships, that that’s my current quantum leap.
I no longer feel like a prisoner in any of my relationships.
I couldn’t have said that a year ago.
Even just “I can meet Thursday at 5” felt disrespectful for me — not asking if that time was good for me too, not mentioning time zone. I moved things around and rescheduled so that I could be there. I didn’t ask if there could be another time, I just made it work. I contorted myself into all sorts of shapes.
I scripted and made sure everything I said was perfect because I knew one wrong word could turn things on its head.
No more.
I came up with a new framework of who I let in my heart:
DMV Companions vs DMV Workers.
All of us in the US know what a PITA going to the DMV is. And the workers (not all of them, of course) are notorious for being unfriendly and unhelpful, as if enjoying making someone’s day worse.
But it’s not like I would be rude to them. I’d smile, be polite. We’d interact transactionally. No emotions.
There are those who like me because I’m shiny. Because I’m charismatic and magnetic and I usually know everyone’s secrets (I’m not telling) and I either have power or proximity to power. These are the people who started kissing my ass in business school after I landed everyone’s dream job when they wouldn’t give me the time of day before. I was so grossed out.
It’s unfortunately common to find clout-chasers, social ladder climbers, or shine-chasers.
But then there are those who would go to the DMV with you.
This is probably not going to be a lot of people. Here’s what they bring.
DMV companions:
Stay for the unglamorous. They wait with you, literally or metaphorically. They show up. They don’t ghost. They don’t act like you’re too much. They want to be there. They want to know you.
Laugh with you, not at you. They get your humor and delight in it. They make everything more fun, even the mundane.
Offer without extracting. They say “I brought snacks” and “I’m going to put on Spotify, want to pick the playlist?” without any trace of resentment, score-keeping, or wanting something in return.
Care about how their impact lands. They roll up their sleeves for the relational repair and make changes. They want to be a boost to your life, not take from it.
See you, not just your brilliance. They appreciate your mind, but also who you are when you’re in the waiting room, just enjoying your company, your personality, your connection.
The shine-chasers won’t go to the DMV with you. They will:
Only show up when you’re extraordinary.
Pedestalize you but can’t be bothered with your humanity.
Disappear when things get messy or slow.
Treat your existence as a resource to mine, not a person to honor.
So then, the shine-chasers can be treated like DMV workers.
Polite. Not rude. With as much respect as they give to you, or likely more.
But not close. Not in the heart.
Those reading, still, are sitting with me at the DMV. The near-daily reflections on the early days of diagnosis. We’re in the doctor’s waiting room together.
I suppose some shine-chasers could be watching for some vicarious high of schadenfreude, and hey, if it’s good for you, you’re welcome. But I know who is allowed proximity to my heart and who has not made my DMV days better.
Read Post 24 here (Not A Safe Place, paid subscribers)
Read Post 38 here (I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, free for all)
Go back to all posts here.
I’ll be at the DMV with you until
the end of time. 🩷 leaning in and writing this shows what strong strength you have! 💫 no matter what the outcome was, you’ll overcome it!
I would definitely sit with you at the DMV. What a great idea 💡 too because it’s so isolating there by yourself. We all need someone just to BE there with us even during the mundane activities.